Discussions on Sexual Fluidity with a Straight Man

Never mind that he's white and middle aged, today I had a discussion in regards to my sexuality, and sexuality in general with a straight man today.

Let me preface this properly. He's a lovely man, we've known each other for years. He works at a car dealership where I used to work, and we were friends then, and every now and again I drop by and we talk for at least an hour. He's a lovely man, and we respect each other very much.

Don't read this with him as a villain. He was asking me legitimate questions, trying his hardest to understand, no matter how I simplified it. I appreciated his earnestness to understand, even though he couldn't wrap his head around it. Trying to educate yourself in things you don't understand is important, and he tried.

The conversation started simply, asking how Molly is, because most of the people at the dealership knew when I first started dating her. Yes, we're doing well, yes, we're still together, oh guess what, we have hamsters now, would you like to see pictures of them on my phone? (I did that. I'm that kind of Hamster Mom.)

He asks me simply, warning me ever often to tell him if he's stepping over the line. I'll skip a few of the more personal questions because they are just that, personal, but I'll cover the gist of it. 

He asks me first how it all works, being that I say I like both genders. We'd been talking about my job situation in regards to losing the other one, I told him what the old boss said about me being a lesbian, and I threw in "I'm not a lesbian, but I'm in a lesbian relationship". For whatever reason that really threw him.

"What do you mean by that?" he asks me.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" Because really, what...don't you understand?

He doesn't understand how I can be attracted to both genders. He asks me questions involving how can I be attracted to Molly, but also if I see a cute boy that I find attractive, wouldn't I want to sleep with him? Without making me sound like a slut of course, says he. "Please tell me if I'm being a pig."

No, I explain. I may find said cute boy attractive as all else, but Molly makes me happy and she's who I choose to be with. That's why I won't just up and sleep with this guy. If I had talked with Molly and we were in an open relationship, and all parties were okay with it, that's a different story. But if he can't understand being bisexual and how that works, can you imagine explaining polyamory to him?! Let alone different genders? I kept things as simple as possible, male, female, tried to keep my terminology simple... But he just couldn't wrap his head around it.

I can look at anyone and think 'damn, that's a good lookin' person', but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. I'm the type of person who needs to establish an emotional connection before I can even THINK about that sort of thing. That's just me. I know not all people are like that, and that's fine. I explained that to him, too. That made a little bit more sense to him for whatever reason.

He explained to me that he's wired like 'all men', and aren't all men horny all the time? Aren't women like that too? What do you mean they're not? Don't women think about sex all the time too?

No, not necessarily, I explain. Some people 'blossom', per se, later in life. Some people don't have any interest in it at all. 

That blew his mind.

I moved on from explaining that I wasn't going to leave Molly for a man at a whim into trying to explain asexuality. Knowing the spectrum is vast, please forgive me, fellow ace people who read this, I kept it as simple as possible with the 'asexual people aren't interested in sexual activity at all'. I told him there are many exceptions, but he was already struggling with the simple stuff, so I didn't want to overwhelm him. 

Explaining that people can be asexual for many reasons, or not engage in sexual activity for many reasons, he listened intently, trying to understand. I explained the difference between asexuality and celibacy, that no, they're not the same thing. 

I explained how some people who are asexual still engage in sex, with themselves, or with others, for many different reasons, but everyone is different. I explained that everything is up to the people involved, and as long as communication is open and consent is discussed and given, people can do what they want.

I explained how many asexual people feel like something is wrong with them, and since we're not taught about it in school, people who admit they are asexual are sometimes treated that way, and mistreated, some are abused to 'correct' them, are told things like "You just haven't had sex with the right person," or, "How can you not know if you like it if you've never tried it?" 

It took me an hour to discuss the simplest of things, like bisexuality and asexuality. Sure, they might not seem simple, but an hour, you guys. I still think that at the end of the conversation he still didn't understand.

We really need proper sexual education in this country. We can't have people told they're invalid, we can't have people told their sexuality isn't real. 

We need to discuss trans issues. 

We need to teach these things in school. 

You know where I learned them? Tumblr.

This is unacceptable.